If you’ve bothered to begin reading this, bad news: you are already ineligible to become a hipster. That’s part of how the iconic subculture runs itself. However, you can certainly pretend to be one, and this guide will show you how.

RULE 1: Do not call yourself a hipster. Hipsters follow an unspoken rule of denying themselves the label of hipster. Because labels are shunned by hipsters. According to this logic, nobody is a hipster because hipsters say they aren’t and pretenders think they are. (Starting to see the irony?) It’s like the social rule that prevents hearing people from giving themselves a name-sign; only deaf people are given that authority.

RULE 2: Wear clothing ironically. Don’t dress in a way you like inherently. Wear obnoxiously hideous clothing and appreciate it because of its absurdity. Shop in thrift stores and scoff at others for wearing branded clothing. If the thrift store environment makes you uncomfortable, you can shop at more expensive second-hand stores, like Buffalo Exchange. Urban Outfitters is the only acceptable clothing chain at which you may shop. Wear pants that are tight enough to make you infertile, and get a pair of Ray-Bans, even if you don’t need them.

RULE 3: Follow a progressive, liberal, or radical political ideal. Pick one; or all – the more absurd, the better. Examples include libertarianism, anarchism, or socialism. Educate yourself on this subject as much as you need to hold a strong, biased opinion that you are comfortable with shouting at people through a megaphone or putting on a T-shirt.

RULE 4: Develop the diet. Yes, hipsters need to express themselves through food, too. Eat vegetarian. Eat vegan. Eat gluten-free, even if you aren’t allergic to stuff. Eat organic. Eat in a way that annoys everyone around you, but don’t feel bad about it. You’re a hipster. You have a right to take whatever measures necessary to remain individual.

RULE 5: Listen to the right music. Turn off your radio. Don’t ever admit to listening to popular bands (unless you do it ironically). Broaden your listening standards; this means you may have to listen to sounds that make you uncomfortable. This includes but is not limited to: really bad rapping, instruments that sound like kitchenware, screaming, long breathing tracks, annoying reverb, and gibberish. Pitchfork.com is particularly good for finding this music.

RULE 6: Get the attitude! Develop an inflated ego. Believe yourself to be cooler than America. Look down on everyone around you who is not a hipster (but remember, you hate labels). Your speech and swagger hinge on the extreme pretension that exudes from your every pore.

We hope this article has helped you come to the conclusion that you don’t really want to belong to this ridiculous subculture. If you want to be an individual, the most infallible way of going about this is to do what you do because you enjoy it sincerely.